At the moment of surrender,

right as your white flag begins to raise, I think I catch a whiff of hope somewhere in this haze. Blinded eyes by all the lies and hurt have stopped me then but somewhere inside my irrational cries I reached a total zen. As my frustrations and everything that's held me back all begin to fall out, there's an excellent clean up crew cleaning it up off of the ground, not asking for anything in return even though I know there's so much they wish. You watched me close the door, but now the curtains in the window are moving away. I'm quietly screaming right in your face, but how can you know if I don't really say? I get this urge to say things I know I should say, but I'm afraid these apples aren't yet ripe, and if I pick them too soon they'll rot away before they bloom. The last thing I want to do is wait, but all could be doomed if I act with great haste. As hopelessness begins to rule, hope silently surfaces from a deep hidden place. And just when we all believed the end came and passed, it feels like the beginning of true freedom at last.

"And it was sweet because I'm self conscious about my forehead."

Awake all night

to sleep away the day, I wonder where my mind ended up when it went away. My fickle burning eyes can tell you so much more than my lips could ever say, so take a look past the surface before you give up and walk away. No matter what your understanding is, the truth can always change and I'd rather have you know it all than miss out on a page. Back in the good old days things were never good, and now in these tornadoes I predicted everything feels as it should. Whatever went wrong must be horribly right. I can feel the calming caress of peace through the night, and my body is grounded while my life takes flight and becomes something more than just a wish. In the end only what you need can be fixed and all the rest is history. My blueprints won't get rid of all this rubble but they sure will make it shine, the beauty in the disaster is that all the debris is mine. Again I sink into the deep abyss of the oceanic floor, being called and called upon but I can't hear so far below the shore. All I need is less but all we want is more. I can hear our hearts pounding light years per minute and we've got all the time in the world. Can't you see the boy is calling? He's been waiting for so long. But I've waited my whole lifetime just to right my wrongs. So wrong your rights and pray tonight for a better life in the morning, and every worst wreck you find yourself in will at last prove so rewarding.

I felt like I was being attacked

even though I was the one doing the killing.

Every tearful word in every broken plea for more chances felt like a thousand tiny daggers twisting my guts around and around until guts no more.

And after all the fighting and screaming and all of my efforts toward self preservation, I am still defeated.