Giving

my mixed up, scrambled-egg mind away, I'm running out of reasons to say "hello." And I'm afraid, always that I've become too transparent to hide my silly emotions. I remember obsessing with the scented lotions, you would caress me and I wanted to be your perfect drunken pin-up girl. Now here I sit, messy and disheveled, trying to keep somewhat leveled but I'm so afraid of you now. And I'm trying to work out how I ended up in this lonely place but suffocating, whilst in my old chaotic ways, I always breathed so easy.

Today I endeavored

to converse with my inner child, and find out how she stayed so alive. I dug so deep and tried and I tried, but no matter what, I couldn't find her. I am not mine, I believe, I've been stolen and changed. What happened to variety I wonder, 'cos every day has become the very same. I have a tendency to volunteer to be a hostage, "take my freedom if you please." Only to regret every second of this time spent so repressed and far too at ease. Too often I wonder where I, myself wandered off to. Maybe somewhere too far to retreive. Maybe sunken so deep into me that I'll never actually be. One day, somehow some way, I'll see the day that I'm able to say "I'm free." But until then I'm silenced and small. Unless of course I've been that way all along. Sunken in and blended with all the rest of the billions of sad, silent people. I just sink deeper and deeper until I'm only someone else's shadow, faded to help them radiate their own light, just feeding off of mine. And in time you'll be beautiful as I once was long ago, before the drought and the loss of everything I'd known. You'll be a supernova, and I'll be your glow.

Begin a revolution...

and call it "Me." You know your soul is almost trapped and you must keep it free. Kneel before no one and call out no name but your own. Hurt nothing and no one, and hold me like foreign languages possess your mind and nothing is owned. Words are away; if there's anything to say, and your mind falls astray and your body hasn't a clue who I am. You're my favorite enemy and worst lover, Best human being and ex-undercover. Least ashamed is all I am and most afraid is all I'll ever be. I can see in this blind world but am blinded by all I see. Love is blind and love it may be. Love? No; love and so much more. And if I could ever speak another word, I'd never say anything I've ever heard. No, no you're nowhere near worth it, but a thousand times more. Do you see where you've led me to go? Do you understand the things you've exposed? Of all I've wished it would be you and now that it is, I've got no one to blame and everything to lose. All I want is everything and all I need is always. You're the world and universe, and all that's around, and if I could ask you for anything, "don't judge me; I'm corny and please stick around."

 

The flowers

are blooming underneath your shiny skull, but don't speak. I can see the color and the light inside your head, beautifully painted with shades of red. I know the story but it's still unfamiliar to me. You can see the train wreck from miles away, smoke and fire high in the sky with no doubt that there were no survivors. But it's okay, in a way. One day all the pieces will be used for something new just like your flowers. Until then, I'll be rummaging through the mess, scavenging what's left from all those hard collisions and crashes and hit and run accidents and it'll be okay. After all is gone and lost, who will stay? I'd like to say you wouldn't be one to walk away from a lost cause but I could be wrong, I've never asked the question, and even then it's only hypothetical. And theoretically, there's no reason for you to stop and play the game a little longer. It would only make the good-byes more somber and might not do any good at all. But risks are what make life worth playing and without any mystery there would be no point in saying all I've said. Love until the very end.

A passionless heart

is no heart at all. Where was I when my world came to fall? In my youth it was nothing to cry for but in these reminders of my emptiness I weep. Blankly I make my way through all of these lonely crowded places, no questions asked with no story to tell. All is meant well, but perhaps our good intentions destroy us in the very end. I've got nothing to offer except for myself and nothing to give but obedience. Where is father time taking me, I can't help but beg "Are we there yet?" Because even with no mind to the destination, I wait and pray for the journey to end.

Happiness of all of yours in mind, but where is mine? Passion for this self destructive willing slavery ruins and wastes all of my time. Every second passing, I think of some one else and every minute I hope to please, but I see so much of so many others, I never stop to think of me. A strong little she, so pathetic indeed, you'd think she might never find her way. But she's abrupt in her ways and before you notice, she's gone from infant speak to Hemingway. Please, "don't tread on me," I've got nothing to give you and no patience left in me. I'm sorry to disappoint but so glad to be free. No chains and no boundaries, always but now you can see. I've missed myself so, and all I want is me. And now the lights that have sparkled in my head are shining so bright for myself to feel.

Drink beer, be queer;

wipe a tear from every fear swallow all your whiskey shots and don't forget your meds but remember it's different. Don't die just try to make it by all the centuries in the worst dimensions of hell. Stay strong I'll pray for you to stay well, and I love you forever. Don't you ever forget.

 

If I were a lion,

I would refrain from devouring your physical being, because I would want to be nice and eating you would be mean. If I had wings, I would give you a ride because that would be cool and I've always wanted to fly. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I wake up and just ask why, but I already know the answer. Every now and then I cry, but I know it wont fix me any faster. And people tell me they can see there's something strange in the mess they call my brain, but I don't care, cause everyone is wrong in their own sweet way. And sometimes I wonder whats so great about accuracy, because simple guesses are so much more interesting. And when I'm dreaming I try to hold on, and bring souvenirs for when I wake, but I know that everything I'm dreaming of would come to hate this place. So I make few promises and tell few lies but sometimes its hard to be perfect when you see things through these eyes.

At the moment of surrender,

right as your white flag begins to raise, I think I catch a whiff of hope somewhere in this haze. Blinded eyes by all the lies and hurt have stopped me then but somewhere inside my irrational cries I reached a total zen. As my frustrations and everything that's held me back all begin to fall out, there's an excellent clean up crew cleaning it up off of the ground, not asking for anything in return even though I know there's so much they wish. You watched me close the door, but now the curtains in the window are moving away. I'm quietly screaming right in your face, but how can you know if I don't really say? I get this urge to say things I know I should say, but I'm afraid these apples aren't yet ripe, and if I pick them too soon they'll rot away before they bloom. The last thing I want to do is wait, but all could be doomed if I act with great haste. As hopelessness begins to rule, hope silently surfaces from a deep hidden place. And just when we all believed the end came and passed, it feels like the beginning of true freedom at last.

"And it was sweet because I'm self conscious about my forehead."

Awake all night

to sleep away the day, I wonder where my mind ended up when it went away. My fickle burning eyes can tell you so much more than my lips could ever say, so take a look past the surface before you give up and walk away. No matter what your understanding is, the truth can always change and I'd rather have you know it all than miss out on a page. Back in the good old days things were never good, and now in these tornadoes I predicted everything feels as it should. Whatever went wrong must be horribly right. I can feel the calming caress of peace through the night, and my body is grounded while my life takes flight and becomes something more than just a wish. In the end only what you need can be fixed and all the rest is history. My blueprints won't get rid of all this rubble but they sure will make it shine, the beauty in the disaster is that all the debris is mine. Again I sink into the deep abyss of the oceanic floor, being called and called upon but I can't hear so far below the shore. All I need is less but all we want is more. I can hear our hearts pounding light years per minute and we've got all the time in the world. Can't you see the boy is calling? He's been waiting for so long. But I've waited my whole lifetime just to right my wrongs. So wrong your rights and pray tonight for a better life in the morning, and every worst wreck you find yourself in will at last prove so rewarding.

I felt like I was being attacked

even though I was the one doing the killing.

Every tearful word in every broken plea for more chances felt like a thousand tiny daggers twisting my guts around and around until guts no more.

And after all the fighting and screaming and all of my efforts toward self preservation, I am still defeated.

Leap;

Hey there, little Capricorn, don't look so forlorn; you've got a beautiful brain if you could just learn. So many little flutters of something far beyond this gutter utter their presence in your mind. If you could only find the time to shine, you would blow their minds. You've got a ways to go but with another step you'll be so much closer to the end of your unpredictable story. These streetlights shine directly into my eyes as though accusatory lines and rhymes were never enough to blind one like they blind. Shhh, don't cry. Look to the sky and think of all the stars. All the little gleams of hope at your fingertips, waiting to be provoked and pursued, for you to make your move. Leap like a tiger and capture your prey, I'll help you to corner it, since I got away. The first kill of the day is never the greatest, simply the one that will do. But in the end you'll have plenty a win and More than enough meat to chew.

A bad day

can hear bones crack and scream. What you see may not always be as it seems, blood runs down the sewer in streams and refuses to let you forget. No muss no fuss, fuck that you won and I'm screaming bloody murder hoping their ears have rung. Do you like it yet? Life = regret and if you want to come out on top you've got a ways to go yet. Tell me the life story of the girl you never knew, the one you always dreamed about but she never saw you. Perhaps her circumstances will open her sleeping eyes, and let her realize how far she really is from the sky. My, oh my what a tragic sight. When she sits in defeat, still knowing she was right. Can you give me one last breath? One more smile before you go. A reminder that I'm still human, so the memory never goes. What happens when you can't tell love from hate anymore? Call it quits or try some more? I can feel the waste that is me, see the face that used to glow, but only exists blankly now for cheap show. I'll take a hit to erase this and a drink to wash it down, and I'll watch the world unravel with but a passive frown.

 

Rest your weary eyes

and dream of something more. Beyond this ramshackle life you hold. Come now, my child, my seeker of gold, fly and perhaps you'll seek so much more. A home for the cold and the hungry and poor is a luxury most cannot afford, so we will go above and beyond our lonely mediocrity to search and find what we've been missing. Come now, my one and my all, can you remember the day I recall? Back when nothing had impact and everyone had it all, can you remember those leaves that would fall? The autumn wind foreshadowed this oncoming disaster, pulsing faster and faster with every chill. Don't tell me you never saw, never heard the fear. Never could you have missed these calamities so near. But now, in the midst of all that's gone wrong, these shimmers of light have come along, but before the light switched off and the Gods went to bed, these flashes of brilliancy were in my head. And so I tell you my child of the night, you must rest your weary eyes and dream of the light.

Day after day I'm so afraid of how I feel. The way history repeats its self proves so surreal and I find myself sitting at the edge of the same rabbit hole I jumped down in prehistory with the same painfully intense yearning and curiosity. The old becomes so new and tempting and while I owe myself the possibility of everything I've always wanted, I'm held back by the fear of losing all I have.

Then.

Then it was different. Then, instincts didn't matter because they were ruled out by fear. Then, all of the red flags and consequences vanished and the only thing I could see and all I looked forward to was the end. The end of another regret before it began. Never did I ask myself what awful things would come out of these short moments of surrender. Never did I think of all that would become tainted. Not once did the pain of now cross my mind then. Then, I was the only human being I trusted. 

Then was not today.

The day you do everything you're told...

Is the day you become a slave to someone less than yourself...

Those who feel the need to control what isn't theirs have no control over what is.

Take charge of your life.

Never surrender.

"May all your weeds be flowers."

I try not to take for granted the dandelions and wildflowers that are so unappreciated.

Maybe they're not as perfect, and maybe they're not as well-groomed, but maybe they deserve more credit.
Sure, a rose smells good and all.

But can it grant a wish?

"There is no beauty...

without some strangeness in the proportion."
- Edgar Allan Poe

Maybe the concern isn't whether you're normal,
but whether you're strange enough to be memorable.